Michael hanging out with his cousin Leon Armstrong-- going off to an adventure. I remember thinking, that his light was gone, and it would never come back. . . he's back! Yes, his voices are still there but he has learned to recognize them and works every moment to be comfortable with them. Oh he does not like them but at least, he can talk about it now. I'm so proud of his progress, and prouder yet, that he works every day to maintain his recovery.

Time flies, when life is good

Funny, how when everything is turning your world upside down, complaints are easy-- I haven't had anything to complain about because, Mike is doing Wonderful! He's been in a board and care for a little over a year now-- he loves it! The freedom to come and go and acclimate to society is a gift. ( we even had an entire day, last winter, at Knott's Berry Farm! My daughter, Davina, has rode with me to see him for quite some time now, it's been a great bonding experiance for all of us. I guess, what I really want to say is this: I didn't take this stuff lying down; I got involved with mental health, I am now, and have been for a few years, a commissioner for San Bernardino Behavioral Health-- That has given me more information about the "mental health system" and how not only to help my son, but be an advocate to all who crosses my path. I've beenable to help other families, help consumers, and better yet, learn so much in the process. I was able to take Mental Health First aid, and last summer, was given a grant from Kaiser Permanente with the assistance of Copper Mountain College Foundation to take a trip to Illinois and become an instructor for Mental Health First Aid-- I will teach my first classes in Spring, 2019 as a community Education Instructor. Now, I can be a part of the solution, and help others learn about mental disorders, give aid in a crisis, and most important-- end the stigma! That's what's it all about, folks-- if we end the stigma assiciated with mental illness, and educate others, more and more people will seek the help needed. Sorry for the lateness of my posts, but as you can tell I've been busy trying to change the world-- one person at a time. Don't give up hope for your loved one or yourself, recovery IS possible and I'm watching it evolve every day.

Moved EVEN farther away!

Well, they moved my son four hours away from me now...so the visits are now once a month. I hate this, I really do! I mean, don't they know that having regular visits with family helps their mental state? I think, they are doing this on purpose because we don't let CRAP happen!!! Someone sticks up for them, listens to them, takes care of their needs-- Four hours away, means a ten hour day-- four hours up, four hours back, and two hour visit-- Oh, did i mention it is near San Fernando Valley??? I'm trying everything I can to get them to move him back closer. The last place he was at was wonderful-- the staff actually cares for their residents!!! Now, he's in a facility with over 200 residents-- So sick of this...sick of how the mentally ill are being treated, sick of our system, of lying conservators, of case managers...and of the psychiatrist in charge too!!!

Just me...asking why?

While my son was home, going through his episodes, I didn't sleep, couldn't pray, worried all the time and was frustrated at him for not showering or changing clothes. He was doing so well for so long in a facility and then the med change-- now, he has memory issues and seems so frantic when he can't talk to me on the phone. I too hate that he's far away and I can't visit him more than once a week but on the otherhand, I know he's relitively safe--and for that I'm grateful. WE, as mothers feel as if WE have the powers or should have the powers to make our babies well--kiss those booboos away! Why can't this work like scrapes and bruises? Why can't we simply kiss them, hold then tight and make everything better? WE are doing the very best we can for our babies...we are there for them, love them, fight for them, and never give up on them. I have talked to some mothers that tell me I am a stronger person than they are--some parents walk away from their babies because it's just too painful to watch over and over--we do not walk away we walk into the flames, face the fire head on and strive to make our children's lives better no matter the sacrifice! They are our babies no matter how old they get. My biggest worry is when I die who will my son have then? Who will carry on after I'm gone, who will make those weekend visits and take that extra step to ensure he's well taken care of?

More information on Mike Baker's saga

More information on Mike Baker's saga: I called the facility Mike was in prior to Miller's Progressive Care. What I was told is this: The Conservator is the one who can sign a release for Medical records to be sent from one facility to the next. I then called Longina Shaw, she was very abrupt and stated that the HOSPITAL should be conatacting her for these things not letting me know. WTF? If they can't get his medical records then how can they give Mike the correct medical treatment? I decided to call the hospital back and give them Longina Shaw's number, letting them know she can get a release of his records-- not, the proof will be in the pooding I guess...let's see is SHE actually does her job for once. I have put in a calll to an ombudsman and left a message. I guess the bigger question is this: What about ALL those other clients who have no family to see that their needs are met? If, as I suspect, and his Conservator is embessling funds from the state in Mike's name...how many other clients is she stealing from? Does she get kick-backs from the agency when she refers them about burial funds? It was implied that Longina Shaw has about 100 clients-- that's a lot of money being filtered isn't it?

I don't know about anyone else...but I smell a conspiracy!

Michael went from doing very well to catatonic in less than one week! We visited him on Saturday and by Friday he was whisked away to a hospital. Mike usually calls me everyday at my lunchtime; Wednesday...no call,so when I got home I called him. He said he felt like he had the flu so I said get some rest,and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thursday came and he did not call me,I just figured he was sick and let it go until the next day. Friday came and this time I called him. It took forever for him to actually answer the phone, and I heard a staff member say: "Mike, it's your mom." Then he spoke: "They changed my medication mom, it's making me feel weird; my voices are back very strong and my anxiety is bad." I told him I would visit him on Saturday--but Mike always calls me Friday night to let me know what I need to bring him--no call. Before making that two hour trip to Riverside I decided to call the facility, Millers Progressive Care. "Hello,this is Mike's Mom, I'm concerned, Mike hasn't called me and I was wondering how he's doing today?" The voice was cold and dry to say the least "We can not give you any information, you will need to call his conservator." "But it's Saturday, she won't be in!" Then the line went dead. My heart dropped, something was very wrong.I called Ricky, and he told me he still had the payphone number. I suggested he ask for one of Mike s friends, Tim.When Ricky spoke to Tim he was told Mike was taken to hospital--but where was anyone's guess. Rick ad I did some sleuthing and we found him at Riverside Community Hospital; in a catatonic state. Here's a little background some might find interesting: In November, I received a letter from his Conservator, Longina Shaw, San Bernadino. It stated that because Social Security only allows an on hand amount of $2,000.00 and she had nearly $6,000.00 on hand,she was putting that money in a burial trust--an irrevocable burial trust, at that...Mike is only 32, he's physically well, (or rather he WAS) and is not lacking a family to handle any needs of this caliber. As soon as Mike and I were making waves about the funds,suddenly Mike's medication was changed,he was moved from Miller's Progressive care and all his belongings are gone! I-pod,Television,cell phone, clothes, pictures and so on. Another odd chain of events was Dixie,the facility's administrator called me the same Friday to say she had to make a report on me. WTF? "Mike pierced his ears,did you know that? said Dixie "Yes, I noticed he had earrings in." I replied "Do you know where he got the needle?" "Not really,where?" Dixie kept asking more questions or rather accusations is more like it. "Well,he also had a pack of matches." "That was an oversight on my part,I'm guessing...when I got him his cigarettes the store clerk dumped a handful of matches and I really thought I got them all." I answered Next she asked about a mirror---"well,he asked his brother if he could have it and without thinking Rick gave it to him." He can't have any of those things, I'm forced to make a report, and on your next visit, it WILL be supervised.!" The entire conversation made me feel uneasy, but I know why he can't have those things...he is searched every visit-- Why weren't they simply confiscated? Here's the real clincher folks...Miller's has been asked by this new facility for Mike's Medical records; what drugs was he taking and what medication did they change...Miller's has refused. So now the hospital is forced to strat from scratch--once again it's find the magic mix. I don't know about anyone else...but I smell a conspiracy!

Conservitor agravation!!!

I recieved a letter a few weeks ago stating that my son's conservitor wants to take excess money on hand, almost $6,000.00 and put it in a irravocable burial trust! WTF??? I've been the one visiting him every week, paying for his, other than room and board stuff and that crazy lady has only put about 200.00 on his books for over two years! I really don't know what to do about this-- Mike wants a new conservitor and he would rather spend that money on HIS needs now! I wish I could be his conservitor or at the veryleast his payee. What drives me batty is these people THINK just because Mike (and other's like him) are locked up they are also stupid drooling idiots! Mike and I have been running around like crazy trying to cet a continuance on the upcoming court date (December 23rd!) I try and make his court dates but...the campus I work at will be getting ready to close for the winter break-- HOW can these people in control be so neglegent and unfeeling? How can they HOLD onto that much money for so long? If, as the letter states...there is only supposed to be $2,000.00 on hand how did this amount get SO out of hand??? How about the other clients who have no family that cares supporting them? Who watches out for them? I'm more than baffled-- I AM PISSED OFF!!! I want that lady investigated, audited, and ultimately FIRED for her incompitance!!! If anyone know what stpes I can make to see that this happens, please...send me a message. Thank you for listening... Crazy son's CRAZY mom

Mike had a very welcome facebook message

It's vital to his recovery; family-- Mike misses them all so much, his siblings were everything to him. So, he recieved an unexpected friend request from his estranged sister-in-law. He asked me what he should do, still being quite paranoid, that is. I simply said, except it! Crystal would not ask you unless she wants to have contact with you. He did-- Paul too has contacted him as well, they even talked on the phone! I'm so happy and now not only have they contacted Mike, but Rick as well...still waiting, hoping, wanting to be reunited with them myself, but I'll bide my time, and revel in what gift the boys have recieved. I miss them all terribly, it's been almost ten years. I really want them to know, no matter what, I am and always will be their mom to Paul, and grandma to the children. My heart is conflicted with happiness for the boys and intence saddness for me. I broke down yesterday when Rick came, worried I would be upset that he is connecting with them again-- nope, just heartbroken it's not me as well. I'll wait until my dying days...I just hope they don't wait that long. Life is very short, we must embrace the moments we can, and just love those we hold dear unconditionaly. Well, one more step, one more piece of the puzzle in place-- here's hoping my friends...

Mike now and before...there is hope!

The picture on the top, is Mike today...the bottom, two years ago! I wanted to share the pictures to let you see how wonderfully he is doing these days! I never thought I would ever see him smile again, or his him laugh, or have a rational conversation with him again. This is why we need more programs to help our mentally ill in America--

It's been a long while but...

It's been a long while writing in this blog, but I guess, when life is going good, we tend to forget our readers and those who are looking for answers. Mike is doing well-- in fact, better than well. He has been moved to another facility, one that gives him more room to grow. I visit just about every week, even though it's farther away; about another half hour. His sister went with me last week and finally was able to see for herself how wonderful he is. It is our Mike--he laughs, jokes, hugs, showers, and yes, he even shaves when he's in the mood. He is excited, because he gets to meet his nephews for the first time. The other facility would not allow children and the boys are just a little over a year old now. Mike is so concerned about them being scared, he's shaving his beard, and trimming his mustache. I will be happier, when he recognizes that the medication is working. For right now, he does not think so, but I can tell you, they are! It's wonderful to look into his eyes and see my baby again, to know that his wonderful warm light shines through. I really thought, I would never see my baby again. There is hope, what we need now is the Mental Health System to be re-vamped so that others can get this help that is desperatly needed. Too many lives are lost, not just because of lack of gun control, but rather the lack of available services out there. This was a seven year process! The Drugs are hit and miss, and a mere 72 hour hold is NEVER enough time to either find the right medications or give the person time to level up. I was talking to a couple who has been dealing with the same situation for fifty years! Some families simply give up, they burn out, and finaly circum to watching their child go to the streets, never knowing if they are alive and well, or have died. I know it's not any easy burden, I too have been frustrated beyond belief; no matter what, he is my baby! Giving up is never an option. They need our love, support, and reasurence-- they need that connection to the real world, even if it looks as if they have no idea what the real world is! When Mike was in the other facility, I would add some of his fellow residents to the visits, sometimes there would be upword of seven, not counting Mike on the visit. These wonderful warm loving people craved attention, love, and outside influence. Sometimes, I was all they had. It saddens me to see them all waiting, wanting, and lonely. I would provide treats, sodas, little trinkets like books, or magazines and cigarettes-- the mentally ill SMOKE-- that's all they have to look forward to is smoke breaks. I am so grateful my son, Mike is doing better, and worried for his future too. I pray someday we can transisiton him into his own appartment, under the watchful eyes of a professional-- that's my dream. But for now, this will do, he is safe, he feels safe, and all we have in life is hope.

So sorry for not keeping you all posted-- it's been a bit of a journey. Michael is finally at another facility, much closer than L.A.He is doing fantasticly!!! He's showering, eating, changing clothes, and he's even put on some weight too! It was great visiting with him this Saturday. We added some of his friends to the visit; I brought Chineese food and they all enjoyed it. I left, him with a hug, and walked out. I cried a little when I was driving home. One of his friends has lost him parents and has no visitors anymore...my lunch made him happy. But then I thought, what will happen to mike when I die? Who will care about him? It scares and saddens me.

How come I feel like I've lost another child?

I finaly got the phone number for the unit mike is on, I called, spoke to him, but he is really mad at me for putting him back in the hospital-- This time I had no choice; he quit eating and drinking and we had 120 degree weather, i was NOT about to let him die for God sake! I wish he could understand why I did what I did. Everytime I see hid behavior change for the worse, I want so badly to wave a magic wand and change everything just to have my Mikey back! It is what it is, can't change anything our Damn, I'd make so many other changes. I feel sometimes like he has died, because his spark, great sense of humor, lovingness and the gleem in his eyes are gone.

He's back in a facility and I miss him so much!

It was a crazy summer (pardon the pun) Mike had reverted back to his unbalanced self; he quit eating and then, i the middle of 120 degree heat, he quit drinking too! I was scared by his listless body lying about, so, I did the only thing I could do..call 911. The ambulance took him to the emergency room, and hydrated him, then after a bed was ready at the only facility, they took him there. He won't talk to me and it's been months! He's on conservatorship, and in Metro, in Norwalk; he'll be there for about 3 months and then they said he will be transported to another facility in S.B. I hate this! Why can't there be a magic wand or spell to make everything better?

Every day I'm just wowed!

Mike trimmed his beard, he has been doing so many chores, inside and out of the house he helps Barry with more than he ever did as a teen! I so missed his infectious laughter, his joy from music, his vitality-- it's back! He has that gleem in his eyes, a genuine smile, and most of all he has pride in all he is doing...Please Dear God, let it continue! I love having my son back.

Misdiagnosis?

The reason I have not updated this blog is due to my husband's surgery and long hospital stay; we have been gone for over a month. I have had an epiphany; my son may not be paranoid schizophrenic! How did I come to this conclusion? For this time period Mike has been off his meds and yet... he has been more capable and has lost most of his fears. He watches Television, listens to his music, went back into the bedroom to get his belongings (he would not go in there before) Mike has been very helpful, cleaning the house, washing laundry, mopping the floors, and taking care of the animals too! He still has his "issues" but they are minor in comparrison--really minor! So tell me, what do you think it is? I think it's PTSD! PTSD is commonly diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia!

What in the world can I do?

So Mike has been home now for 4 months-- still not showering, or changing his clothes. His jumpsuit is actually coming apart at the seems and yet...she will not change his clothes! It's driving me CRAZY! The smell is so bad, that even fabreeze does not help. We found out my husband has a tumor, yes, it is cancer-- so now, once my hubby goes in for surgery and chemo I don't know what to do! Besides the hygene aspect, he also will not go into the refrigerator for food or drink, he will not do anything for himself!

Shower please?

I sit next to him and the odor is less than appealing, his feet are black with filth, his hands--oh dear lord his hands-- his hair is so stiff from dirt, I itch just being in the same zip code and I don't know what to do! How do I get him to look after his basic needs? how do I let him know it's safe to wash, get food and drink from the fridge, change his clothes? It's been over three months and and I'm at a loss--
Any suggestions?

I wonder what it's like in his head?

Ca you imagine being scared--scared of everything? Words, water, voices, radios, television, food, drink--they all are something Mike is scared of~ He is even afraid of his video games!What can I do to assure him that the everyday things, the stuff we do without even thinking about them are ok? I don't know...I hate watching him go on like this; this is not living!

A typical day with my paranoid schizophrenic son

Too many normal words set Michael off; it only takes the mention of a normal everyday word to throw Mike into a Q. and A session. Trying to have any conversation, watch television, listen to the radio, or just asking a simple question will sound his bells and whistles. Here are just some examples:
Me:Dear, I'm going to the store, what would you like me to get for dinner? Mike: I'm not going to die from you or the neighbors, or Barry, saying what? You're not talking about me going and I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to die from you going to the store? Me: No Mike Mike: Can you get me a burrito and a coke? Me: Yes, how many burritos do you want? Mike: I'm not to die from you or Barry heating up the burritos or for the microwave going on or off and that's still a part of my lunch right? Me: No--and right Michael. Mike:I'm not going to die from you handing me those burritos or from me taking those burritos or from eating those burritos right mom? Me: right Mike. Mike: and I'm not going to die from you bringing me this coke or handing me this coke or from me taking this coke or drinking this coke and the coke and burritos are still a part of my lunch, and I can have spaghetti from a can for dinner and this is not my dinner right mom? Me: Right Mike.

This is but a tiny glimpse into a moment with Mike...imagine that this goes on all day and well into the night.

Picture this: One day out of the blue, a call from a long lost adult child, it’s been years sense you have heard his voice, you spend many sleepless nights worrying about this young man and now, at last the phone call you’ve been waiting for is here at last. There is a significant change in his voice a certain void in the tone—the words spill out, words you only see on a news. and giggle about because, this could never happen in your family. Your child is ranting on, about demons, of an arrest because he took off his clothing and paraded into a courthouse.
Unfortunately, today, there is a grave need for mental health resources; many caregivers are at a loss. Finding contacts when there is a crisis, which organizations are available when our loved one is out of control and what about local support groups? Living with a mentally ill family member is frustrating enough, but trying to find the necessary resources can be exasperating; which adds to the stress of the caregiver and the mentally ill family member.
Some mental facilities instruct the caregiver to call 911; it does not always help. One incident, 911 was called, the police officers responded, assessed the situation, and could do nothing to alleviate the issue. The term, fifty-one-fifty is defined as: A danger to oneself or others; this does not include what the caregiver considers as such.
What are your rights, responsibilities, and whom can a caregiver turn to for advice and assistance? I have been in the trenches and have some answers. I research every day for more information and will continue to do so until the end. When something this catastrophic enters your life, you learn how to get what is needed—survival of the educated!